I don't need to be a Grandmother

I didn’t really plan on having kids even though it was almost a foregone conclusion in my family – women get married, have kids, teach elementary school or become a nurse.  Unless you married a farmer.  Then you became a farmer’s wife … with a bunch of kids.  So while I assumed it would happen, it wasn’t anything I yearned for. 

I had my first son at 21.  I was single and a college Senior.  Becoming a mother put an end to everything I had planned for myself.  I wanted to move to a big city and disappear.  I wanted to travel.  I wanted to live alone in a tiny apartment and learn how the world worked.  I had grown up in a little country town with no idea how to interact with people I hadn’t lived with my entire life.  All of these things were impossible now … I had a kid to take care of.  His needs came first and that meant sacrificing it all.  I went on to marry and have another son.  I mean, in for a penny, in for a pound, right? 

So now I’m 45, twice divorced and my kids are pretty much grown.  I love them so much it makes my heart ache.  I would do anything and everything for them. Most people say I do too much and they are probably right.  It’s the “I want my kids to have a better life than I did” syndrome.  And that’s exactly why I don’t want them to have kids.  I want them to live for themselves.  To explore.  To not be afraid to risk losing everything in order to fulfill a dream.  I need them to do the things I can only read about.