I don't need to be a Grandmother

I didn’t really plan on having kids even though it was almost a foregone conclusion in my family – women get married, have kids, teach elementary school or become a nurse.  Unless you married a farmer.  Then you became a farmer’s wife … with a bunch of kids.  So while I assumed it would happen, it wasn’t anything I yearned for. 

I had my first son at 21.  I was single and a college Senior.  Becoming a mother put an end to everything I had planned for myself.  I wanted to move to a big city and disappear.  I wanted to travel.  I wanted to live alone in a tiny apartment and learn how the world worked.  I had grown up in a little country town with no idea how to interact with people I hadn’t lived with my entire life.  All of these things were impossible now … I had a kid to take care of.  His needs came first and that meant sacrificing it all.  I went on to marry and have another son.  I mean, in for a penny, in for a pound, right? 

So now I’m 45, twice divorced and my kids are pretty much grown.  I love them so much it makes my heart ache.  I would do anything and everything for them. Most people say I do too much and they are probably right.  It’s the “I want my kids to have a better life than I did” syndrome.  And that’s exactly why I don’t want them to have kids.  I want them to live for themselves.  To explore.  To not be afraid to risk losing everything in order to fulfill a dream.  I need them to do the things I can only read about.

Pills and Potions

I grew up surrounded by addiction.  And I always knew it.  I know that from the time my little brain was able to form memories, I recognized that things weren’t right.  It started with my Mom.  She liked to drink.  And to smoke.  After my parents divorced when I was about 4, it became worse.  A lot of late nights and a lot of “don’t wake up Mom.”  What I didn’t know until much later is that she also had an addiction to pain pills after I was born and much of my care went to my Dad and my sister – who was 8. Finally my Mom decided she was over being a parent – as much as she had been – and I went to live with my Dad.  That move most likely saved my life even though it was not without complications.

Then four of my siblings started their path down the same road. Over the years their use of drugs and alcohol lead to health trouble, legal trouble, failed marriages and abandoned children.  My sister C kicked her drug habit years ago and was able to lead a really productive life.  My brother S has lasting health complications but is clean.  My brother G is still an addict and is in prison.  He is honestly the one person on this Earth that I would kill if I knew I wouldn’t be caught.  And now … right now … my sister T is in a hospital, just coming out of a coma.  Brought on by complications due to alcoholism/drug addiction.  She’s been clean a while but the damage was already done. 

I don’t know how I avoided it all other than I learned from their mistakes.  Maybe.  I had my fun drinking when I was younger but I saw that it was negatively affecting my life and stopped.  I stopped at the ripe age of 16.  Over the years I’ve tried a few drugs but nothing really impressed me.  I suspect that if I ever tried heroin that would be the end of me.  From what I’ve seen and heard, it would give me exactly what I crave so much … numbness.  But what’s weird is that I always choose anything but being numb – from natural childbirth to the wonderful pain of tattoos to the soreness after Leg Day.  I’ve learned that breathing in the pain is so much easier than fighting against it.  So listening to my Mom apologize for everything as she was dying, reading texts from my niece who is now caring for T who chose addiction over her own daughter and having to accept that people I once loved are gone long before they’re dead – that’s all just pain I have to breathe in and use to keep myself from going numb.

Dating? Nope.

Here I sit, a 40-something year old woman, and I’ve only been in two relationships in my adult life.  I don’t count “boyfriends” in High School – not that I had that many anyway.  So that means I’ve dated two men.  I also married and divorced both of them.  I’ve been in the dating pool (the very shallow end of it) for over two years and I’ve only gone on a handful of dates.  None of them very promising.  I’m still very, VERY reluctant to join a dating website even though my ex-husband has met a great woman through match.com (she and I are now very good friends … that’s another post).  I don’t feel any rush to be in a relationship or to even date.  I don’t know why that is because everyone else seems to be ready for me to be. 

I love the question, “Why don’t you date?”  It’s an embarrassing one to answer but it’s basically because no one asks me out.  I spend the majority of my life in the gym, in my car commuting to/from work and at work.  Everyone assumes that I get hit on at the gym all the time.  No.  The one time it happened was by a guy in his 60’s promising me that he could help me with squats.  Not creepy at all, right?  So that’s indicative of the talent that I can pull in a room full of hot, sweaty mens.  But really I do know that even if men do notice me, they won’t approach at the gym for the aforementioned reason – the creep factor.  And with my luck it would be some guy who doesn’t re-rack his weights who wants to talk to me and I’d just end up lecturing him.

Online dating seems terrifying.  I’ve heard so many horror stories from friends.  Dates showing up not looking anything like their pics anymore.  Dates getting all stalkery.  Dates showing up high.  I’m too old and cranky to deal with any of that bullshit and answering the same questions over and over and over again.  I know that men truly don’t care about anything other than when they get to have sex with their date and I’m not inclined to play the Let’s Pretend game. 

If I’m honest with myself, I’m also afraid of settling.  I did it twice and it didn’t work out.  In my head I have my “LIST” of what I want.  Some of the items are deal-breakers, like no smoking or no minor kids, and others are nice-to-haves which may be slightly negotiable.  I may never meet anyone who matches my list and I may never fill all of the check boxes on anyone else’s and I’m ok with that.  I wouldn’t ever want to be with anyone who was settling just so that they wouldn’t have to be alone.  I’ve actually thought, “I’d never date anyone who would want to date me,” because I don’t feel like I’m pretty/smart/funny enough.  I tend to want men who are above my pay grade – the kind of men who rarely notice me.

Are there times when I think that it would be nice to have a boyfriend?  Absolutely.  Going to the movies alone sucks sometimes.  Not having someone to snuggle right before I go to sleep really sucks sometimes (my dogs refuse to sleep in my bed).  Hell, it would even be nice to have someone spot me when I get stuck under a barbell at the gym.  But is it worth the pain and agony of trying to find suitable guys to date?  I’m not convinced it is.